Thursday, May 10, 2007



As the big weekend approaches...I'm anticipating the handprint calendars, and crayola scribbled love notes from my affectionate little 7 and 8 yr olds. Yes, I save and date, every last one. They are more valuable to me than the Hope diamond. I still have the crayola love notes from my now 17 yr old. You know, the one who hates me now, because I am such a tyrant of a mother and demand her to have curfews and do her homework. I can always dig into the rubbermade tub and pull out her "I love you's" with all the backwards letters, the scribbled, smiling sunshine or the drawing of me with all the hair that seems to fill most of the page with brown swirled curls. (If only I had that much hair!) "The best muther in the werld" is proudly printed on the top of the page, in a 6 yr old's best handwriting. Little kids are so sweet..then they turn into

Thinking on this one special day, when we moms, secretly hope for someone to volunteer to do the dishes, for a change, and yes, rinse the soap off them completely...I decided to write down a few of my lessons I've leaned- being a mother. I feel I am well qualified to explain to you about this, as I have several children in my litter. I truly think I have experienced about everything, as I struggle to get them raised and keep them out of jail...and IN SCHOOL. These are some things I have come to realize about moms.


1. Mothers can love a wrinkled-faced, screaming, little human that pukes and poops on them, wakes them up five times during the wee hours of the night, demands all of their attention constantly, (I won't mention what they do to a body, while growing inside it or coming out of it)... pulls their hair out in handfulls or tries to eat it, embarrasses them in the middle of stores by hitting shrill notes that no opera singer could ever reach, and only gives them a coo of appreciation or a gummy toothless grin in return. This one coo or grin absolutely melts the heart of any mom and further attaches her to this demanding little being.

2. Mothers do not see that this cooing, spewing, excrement- producing being resembles W.C. Fields in a blanket or Freddy Krueger in a teddy bear nitegown. They see the most precious and beautiful baby in the world. All the other people's babies look like those people, but their baby is perfect in every way.

3. Mothers still adore little Freddy Krueger~Even when he clamps down sharply on her left nipple and makes her positive that it has been removed by a toothless raptor that acts like it hasn't eaten in days-even though it was only 2 hrs ago. ( I know what a raptor is, because I bought a noise making one, that lets out the most blood-curdling sounds, in the middle of the night, while being mashed in a toybox. For those of you who managed to not buy this toy, or watch Jurrassic park 25 times, it is a very creepy, fast-moving dinosaur that will make you hit t he floor at 3 am with a baseball bat, searching for the noise in your home, that surely is a prowler, hell-bent on harming your children and about to be eliminated with a louiseville slugger.)

4. Mothers will endure endless hours of a babbling purple dinosaur, in the hopes that it will help advance their child's education. They will watch grown men, in bright colored shirts, bounce around, singing songs and acting in ways that make her want to nail them on top of the head with a baseball bat, because they are so annoying, solely because junior adores them and dances happily while these idiots do a dorky-looking dance. She will never let her precious one know how much she wants to annihilate these annoyances. She even purchases tshirts and jammies so junior can wear his favorite loved character..shirts that make her cringe each time she folds them and the creepy images stare back at her.

5. Mothers will stand in line for hours, holding bags that are cutting off the blo od supply to her hand, just so junior can hop on the lap of some fat, otherwise jobless man, dressed in a Santa suit and spill out to him, all of the overpriced toys he longs for. Mothers will eat ramen noodles for weeks, and work overtime for a month, just so she can afford these toys that her child dreams of receiving. Of course this child will throw the toys down or break them within a week, and forget all about them and their glowing appeal they once had... but BY GOLLY, Mom will be sure he has it under the tree that Christmas!

6. Mothers will take on anyone or anything that threatens her child in anyway. A mother will go from meek and quiet human, holding prayer meetings, to foaming-at-the-mouth-maniac, if anyone so much as raises their voice at her child or speaks to him/her in an unkind manner. Even if a half-witted monkey at the zoo, happens to fling poop her child's direction, that particular monkey will be sitting in a corner, rubbing knots on its head, wondering w hat just hit it. Eventhough this mother faithfully donates money, each month, to a save the monkey organization, it's "officially on" when anything makes a move towards her child. Moms are fast and stealthy. We wear shoes that double as weapons and carry purses, the size of carry-on luggage, that weigh enough to obliterate any enemy in their tracks.

7. No other child in the world is as gifted, emotially adjusted, beautiful or potentially sucessful, in the great big world we call earth, than a mother's child. Her child is the only one that deserves all the honors and glory..just ask her! Word of caution, do not ask to see pictures unless you have a few hours to kill.

8. Mothers will surrender the most mouth watering morsal to an open-mouthed, begging, child, upon the first whimper- even if she hasn't eaten all day. This child will most definitely deem it " yucky" and spit it out on the carpet soon afterward and go back to their baggie of Cheerios.

9. Only a m other will kiss the slimey, slobber-covered, fingers of a pudgy hand, that reaches up to caress her cheek, mid-diaper change..or kiss a chocolate covered, puckered up mouth, of a little one, needing some spontaneous affection. Mothers will choke down a half-eaten, soggy cheeto from a grimey little hand and tell the tiny, sharing figure in front of her, how delicious that was, while bracing for another feeding.

10. A mother will go out in public, without make up, in her ratty, stained-up bathrobe and fuzzy slippers, searching for a teenager, late for his/her curfew. The frightening images inside her head, of horrorific child abductions spur her on her quest, getting the adreniline pumping and making her more crazed. She forgets all about not shaving her legs and the fact that she has on two non-matching house slippers. Of course, she will meet everyone she knows along the search trail and be too wild with worry to consider what she looks like. She doesn't know that junior is loitering on the corner of town with a group of other parent-haters, lamenting with each other and compairing notes on who has the most insane mother. When she finds this child, she unknowingly wins the insane mother award (the mismatched slippers nailed it). She has no problem yanking junior and his/her nasty, insult-spewing mouth, by the earlobe, inside the rolling lab experiment of a mini van and returning him/her safely home. You know the home...the one this same teen vows he/she cannot wait to escape from and free herself/himself from the nazi-like regeime that invokes curfews, sets bedtimes, demands completion of homework, limits junk food intake and frowns on body piercings or multi-colored mohawks. The same home, he/ she will long to move back into, when the first bump on the road of life knocks them on their patootie.

Mothers are the only things on the planet that deprive themselves of sleep, personal appearance, safety, food, monitary items, and sanity- all to nurture and protect the most precious thing in their life, their child. Don't forget to tell your mom how much you love her this weekend!

Written by Trish of Trish's_britches_boutique
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